Over these 10 years of our marriage, we have learnt that to maintain intimacy in our marriage, we have to be intentional about doing so. Intimacy is defined as ‘close familiarity and friendship’. Close familiarity and friendship does not just happen, it takes working at it and being intentional. Life can be busy and when like us, you add tiny, beautiful humans to the mix, it gets even busier. Intimacy is very important in marriage and helps to maintain the connection and ‘butterflies in the tummy feeling’ even after so many years. Intimacy in marriage is not just about sex (even though that’s a big part of it 
). It also looks like, hugs, kisses, a cheeky tap on the bum, regular conversation, forgiveness, spending time together etc. So here are five ways to maintain intimacy/closeness/connection in marriage. We have tried and tested these ways and we know they work. We are passionate about marriages thriving which is why I’m sharing these .
- Regular communication helps to maintain intimacy. Talking regularly as a couple gives each person the space and opportunity to share how they feel, what they want/need, what works for them/what doesn’t etc. Having regular conversations about our needs and wants as a couple has been even more important now that we are parents of two little humans. Parenting is a full time busy job and a lot of our conversation, rightly so, is about the children. This means we have to be intentional about creating the space to talk about ‘us’ in the midst of all the busyness. Some of these conversations happen in the moment and some have to be scheduled in so that they happen. We have conversations such as ‘I love it when we spontaneoulsy hug and kiss when we are doing things around the house e.g. cooking, cleaning’ or ‘I’ve noticed we haven’t hugged or kissed each other a lot lately’ etc. We have these check in conversations regularly because we know that as a couple, these spontaneous and regular moments of physical connection over the course of the day works for us and helps us to maintain intimacy.
- Having fun together is so important. Finding what you both enjoy and love doing together and being intentional about doing it regularly helps maintain intimacy and connection. My husband and I enjoy watching movies together and ‘gisting’. For example, when the kids are in bed, we will put a movie on and cuddle on the sofa together. We may not always end up watching the full movie in one go (did someone say sleep) but we have created a space for intimacy and you know what, a win is a win! There’s something so powerful about laughing together and enjoying each others company. I think of the saying ‘laughter is good for the soul’. I couldn’t agree more and I’ll go a step further to say ‘laughing together is good for maintaining intimacy’.
- Forgiving easily and quickly is so important. There’s nothing like holding a grudge or leaving things unresolved to prevent intimacy and connection. I’ve found out over the 10 years of our marriage that when disagreements or misunderstanding is left unresolved, it has a way of pushing us apart. That’s why we don’t let issues or misunderstanding linger. We create the space to discuss things (good ol’ communication for the win) and we forgive each other quickly and proceed to making up (what’s that thing they say about make up sex ;-)). Speaking of sex…
- Regular and quality sex in marriage encourages intimacy. Sex in marriage is beautiful, even more so when the needs of the two people involved are considered and met. Regular, quality sex is important. I say quality sex because it’s not just about the act, it about making sure both our needs are being considered and met. I believe this is helped by having regular conversations about each other’s needs/wants, likes/dislikes etc. Intimacy in marriage is definitely maintained where regular and quality sex is a priority. I say this because where there are unresolved issues/busyness of life taking over/disagreements/needs not being met etc, these can prevent intimacy.
- Prayer is so powerful. As a Christian couple, God is the foundation of our marriage. We believe that God created our marriage for a purpose and he brought us together to love God, love each other well and love others. We regularly pray for each other. I commit my husband to God and pray that God will keep and help him to be a great husband, father etc, and I know Anthony does the same for me. I pray that our love for each other will continue to grow and flourish and that intimacy and connection will remain in our marriage. God created marriage to thrive and be a reflection of his love for us, so we can go to him in prayer about anything.
So these five ways have helped us to maintain intimacy in our marriage. I hope this encourages you too. We are not perfect but we are intentional about making our marriage work. I would love to know your thoughts. Do you have any other ways/tips to maintain intimacy in marriage? Until next time.
With all my love,
Esther