5 Ways to Maintain ‘Intimacy’ in Marriage

Esther — Thu, 04 May 2023 20:54:57 +0000

Over these 10 years of our marriage, we have learnt that to maintain intimacy in our marriage, we have to be intentional about doing so. Intimacy is defined as ‘close familiarity and friendship’. Close familiarity and friendship does not just happen, it takes working at it and being intentional. Life can be busy and when like us, you add tiny, beautiful humans to the mix, it gets even busier. Intimacy is very important in marriage and helps to maintain the connection and ‘butterflies in the tummy feeling’ even after so many years. Intimacy in marriage is not just about sex (even though that’s a big part of it ). It also looks like, hugs, kisses, a cheeky tap on the bum, regular conversation, forgiveness, spending time together etc. So here are five ways to maintain intimacy/closeness/connection in marriage. We have tried and tested these ways and we know they work. We are passionate about marriages thriving which is why I’m sharing these .

Regular communication helps to maintain intimacy. Talking regularly as a couple gives each person the space and opportunity to share how they feel, what they want/need, what works for them/what doesn’t etc. Having regular conversations about our needs and wants as a couple has been even more important now that we are parents of two little humans. Parenting is a full time busy job and a lot of our conversation, rightly so, is about the children. This means we have to be intentional about creating the space to talk about ‘us’ in the midst of all the busyness. Some of these conversations happen in the moment and some have to be scheduled in so that they happen. We have conversations such as ‘I love it when we spontaneoulsy hug and kiss when we are doing things around the house e.g. cooking, cleaning’ or ‘I’ve noticed we haven’t hugged or kissed each other a lot lately’ etc. We have these check in conversations regularly because we know that as a couple, these spontaneous and regular moments of physical connection over the course of the day works for us and helps us to maintain intimacy.

Having fun together is so important. Finding what you both enjoy and love doing together and being intentional about doing it regularly helps maintain intimacy and connection. My husband and I enjoy watching movies together and ‘gisting’. For example, when the kids are in bed, we will put a movie on and cuddle on the sofa together. We may not always end up watching the full movie in one go (did someone say sleep) but we have created a space for intimacy and you know what, a win is a win! There’s something so powerful about laughing together and enjoying each others company. I think of the saying ‘laughter is good for the soul’. I couldn’t agree more and I’ll go a step further to say ‘laughing together is good for maintaining intimacy’.

Forgiving easily and quickly is so important. There’s nothing like holding a grudge or leaving things unresolved to prevent intimacy and connection. I’ve found out over the 10 years of our marriage that when disagreements or misunderstanding is left unresolved, it has a way of pushing us apart. That’s why we don’t let issues or misunderstanding linger. We create the space to discuss things (good ol’ communication for the win) and we forgive each other quickly and proceed to making up (what’s that thing they say about make up sex ;-)). Speaking of sex…

Regular and quality sex in marriage encourages intimacy. Sex in marriage is beautiful, even more so when the needs of the two people involved are considered and met. Regular, quality sex is important. I say quality sex because it’s not just about the act, it about making sure both our needs are being considered and met. I believe this is helped by having regular conversations about each other’s needs/wants, likes/dislikes etc. Intimacy in marriage is definitely maintained where regular and quality sex is a priority. I say this because where there are unresolved issues/busyness of life taking over/disagreements/needs not being met etc, these can prevent intimacy.

Prayer is so powerful. As a Christian couple, God is the foundation of our marriage. We believe that God created our marriage for a purpose and he brought us together to love God, love each other well and love others. We regularly pray for each other. I commit my husband to God and pray that God will keep and help him to be a great husband, father etc, and I know Anthony does the same for me. I pray that our love for each other will continue to grow and flourish and that intimacy and connection will remain in our marriage. God created marriage to thrive and be a reflection of his love for us, so we can go to him in prayer about anything.

So these five ways have helped us to maintain intimacy in our marriage. I hope this encourages you too. We are not perfect but we are intentional about making our marriage work. I would love to know your thoughts. Do you have any other ways/tips to maintain intimacy in marriage? Until next time.

With all my love,

Esther

Our ‘Secrets’ for a Thriving Marriage (Part 1)

Esther — Sun, 26 Mar 2023 22:24:44 +0000

Hello friends. When I see a couple who have been married for many years, I often ask, ‘so what is ‘the secret’ to a thriving and happy marriage?’ Over the years, I have had many different answers to this question such as: regular communication, patience, having fun together, down to funny ones like having different bathroom/sinks or going on holidays separately, lol. I usually ask this question because I love marriage and I’m always looking to learn from people who are and have been happily married longer than I have.

My husband and I have been married for just over 10 years and we have learnt and grown so much in that time. I think it’ll be helpful to share some of ‘the secrets’ I believe help us to have a thriving marriage. Our marriage is not perfect but it’s perfect for us. Our trust in God and commitment to making our marriage work has helped us over the years to navigate the different seasons and scenes of our beautiful marriage. So, you might be thinking, reveal these secrets already, lol. I’ll reveal two ‘secrets’ now that I believe help us (you’ll have to come back for more). They are:

Regular and effective communication. Regularly talking to each other about anything and has helped us to stay connected. Creating and maintaining a safe space where we both feel listened to, respected, and acknowledged when we express our feelings has been so essential for us. We have found that the different seasons of life have the potential to impact on how often we communicate. For example, when we first became parents, we became caught up in navigating life as new parents, understandably so, and so regular communication was no longer regular. We quickly noticed that we became less patient with one another and there was a bit of a disconnect. I remember asking my mum to take care of our little baby for a few hours, so we could go out for a meal and talk. It was so needed! We have also learnt that now that we have children, we need to be even more intentional about maintaining regular communication. For example, planning couple time into our schedules has been so helpful for us.

Forgiving easily and quickly. I am so proud & happy of how far we have come in this aspect of our journey as it has really contributed to our marriage thriving. I remember in our early years of marriage, how I would go a few days without really talking to my husband because of something he had done that I had ended up feeling annoyed about. The good ol’ silent treatment, lol. The reality is that no matter how in love we are with each other, we still annoy each other. We are imperfect so that comes with the territory. Let’s just say, a lot of growth has taken place in both our lives. I believe that as a child of God, God easily forgives me of anything I could ever do because he loves me so much. So why wouldn’t I forgive my husband who I love when he does something that has annoyed or upset me. This thinking has helped and transformed my mindset in this area. Nowadays, I forgive more easily and tend to do it more quickly. No more silent treatment (to be honest, now that we have children, that wouldn’t work anyway because we need to talk about the children, lol). Regular communication has also really helped with this. If we keep talking regularly, it’s much easier to talk about and address issues which can then be resolved.

So, these are two ‘secrets’ that help us to have a thriving marriage. There are others which I will share later. I hope this helps you.

So, what are your thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments section. I would love to know your own ‘secrets ‘that have helped you & I’m sure others will too. Let’s learn and thrive together.

With all my love,

Esther x

Marriage – Thriving with Esther

5 Ways to Maintain ‘Intimacy’ in Marriage

Our ‘Secrets’ for a Thriving Marriage (Part 1)