My husband Anthony and I had always wanted children. I absolutely love children and have always taken opportunities to care for them whether it be babysitting or leading a group of amazing 3-5 year olds in Sunday school. Oh the joy children bring! Anthony too has a lovely way with children and you could tell he would make a great dad. We had talked about it whilst we were dating and decided, as you do, that we would like to have 2 or 3 kids. Coming from an amazing family of 5 siblings and he 1 of 3 siblings, we definitely wanted more than one child. We got married (I was 26 and he was 28) and we decided to wait until we were married for about 2 years before trying for a baby as we wanted to do all the things newlyweds did, like travel, get to know each other etc. So naturally, I went on the pill, the ‘combined pill’ to be precise. 

Let’s rewind a bit. As a young woman and as far back as I can remember, I started my period at the age of 10 or 11. I remember initially having my periods every month as normal. I also remember there were times I would not have a period for a few months and then ‘mother nature’ would make an appearance again and I would be like, hey there, lol. I also remember having really heavy and painful periods, so to be honest, it was nice to have a break, lol. I never really thought much about it but in hindsight, I should have. You live, and you learn eh.  

So fast forward to after we had been married almost 2 years and we decided, hey, we are ready to start trying for a baby, I stopped the pill I was taking. As a pharmacist, I was aware of what I needed to do when wanting to conceive i.e. vitamins, etc, so we did all that. We didn’t smoke, we didn’t drink alcohol, we took our vitamins. Heck we did all the right things and had fun too ;-). After 4-5months of trying, nothing had happened, and I had only had a period once. I did a bit of research online and the advice was that I could visit my GP for support after trying unsuccessfully for at least 6 months. So, we waited and after 6 months, I booked an appointment with my GP. I had the appointment where blood tests were carried out and another appointment was booked for me to have an ultrasound scan to check my ovaries, tubes etc. 

A few weeks after the scan, I had a follow up appointment with the GP for the results. I remember this day very clearly and I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. It was a Tuesday morning. I was to attend the appointment and then go to work after that. I recall sitting in the doctor’s office that morning. I don’t really know what I was expecting but I do know I wasn’t expecting what I heard. The doctor very unempathetically just gave me the news. ‘You have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and you’ll never have a baby naturally except through IVF’. I recall feeling so many emotions and it took the grace of God to not burst out crying right there. In the midst of all those emotions I was feeling, I could hear, as if in the distance, the doctor talking about bloods tests results, hormone levels etc. I felt like he wanted me to take the news and leave. I was able to focus and ask him, ‘so what’s next, what happens now?’. He then proceeded to mention that he would refer me to a consultant OBGYN for further tests etc. I thanked him and left. I could not leave fast enough, and I drove home, holding back the tears. Anthony was home and about to leave for work and I remember getting home and just bursting into tears. I recall now the look of concern on his face when he asked, ‘what happened babe, what did the doctor say?’. I relayed the information whilst sat at the top of the stairs. My dear husband said it’ll be okay, we will have kids, God will work it out. I took comfort from his words and the knowledge that I have a good God who is with me, for me and will work things out for my good. Wow, writing that has brought back so many feelings and emotions. I’m going to stop my story here for this week. There’s more to come later. Stay blessed

So, my fertility journey continues. After gathering up the strength to ask the GP ‘what next?’ after I had received the news, it was now a case of waiting for the appointment with the consultant OBGYN (obstetrics and gynaecologist). This took a couple of months to come through, so we waited patiently and kept trying .  Finally, the appointment letter came through and we had a date. Phew, it seemed we were a bit closer to getting the help we needed. The day of the appointment arrived, and Anthony and I went. This time was so much different to the first, maybe in part because I had Anthony with me. Also, the OBGYN was the most encouraging and friendly woman ever. She looked at our notes, had a chat with us and reassured us. I’ll always remember her encouraging words ‘you’ll be fine, you will both have a baby. Continue trying for the next 4 months and if nothing happens, come back and we will see you again’.  The feelings and emotions I had when leaving that appointment were totally different in a good way.

So, we did just as the doctor advised. We carried on as normal and kept trying. We both carried on with our vitamins for conception and each month we took a pregnancy test just in case, but it was never positive. I lost count of the number of pregnancy tests I took. Each time, full of expectation and each time feeling deflated like air being released from a balloon. Every time, we kept on praying and trusting God and held onto the hope that it would happen for us. 
I will never forget and will always appreciate the support of my husband. He would always say, ‘we are fine it’s okay, we will have our children. I didn’t marry you because of kids, God will do it in his own time’. These were some of the many encouraging words and phrases that he would tell me.
I remember having to deal with my own thoughts and feelings… ‘I’m a woman, this is what I’m supposed to be able to do’, ‘did we leave it too late…’. Dealing with these thoughts and feelings was a separate journey on its own which I will go into later.
The thing was, nobody said anything negative to us, my in-laws were fantastic throughout. I had the pleasure of celebrating new babies being born and added to our family and friends. I believe children are such amazing gifts from God so every new pregnancy and birth, although wonderful was tinged with a bit of sadness for me (being completely honest) because I didn’t know if it would happen naturally for me. Wow! That’s a big statement to offload. In all this, God was and still is always present. 

Well, four months and several pregnancy tests later, nothing had happened. So back to the doctor it was. A couple months passed, the appointment date arrived, and we saw the OBGYN who advised us that we would have to undergo a new round of tests, Anthony included this time! I had blood tests, another ultrasound scan, a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). HSG is a procedure that uses an X-ray to look at your Fallopian tubes and uterus. I attended the hospital for this procedure. My pain threshold is virtually non-existent, and I found this procedure just uncomfortable, so if you have to get this done, try not to worry too much about it. The uncomfortable bit was when the dye was inserted but your doctor will answer any questions you have. You can also read more about what HSG is and how infertility is diagnosed here if you’re interested. After these tests, we had to wait for our follow up appointment with the consultant to discuss the results and next steps. To be continued… 

The day of our follow up appointment with the consultant arrived and we attended. The consultant delivered the results to us. All is well with Anthony, which is great. My original diagnosis of Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is reconfirmed but the Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) brings up a new hurdle, if I’ll call it that.

It appears, from the HSG, that my left Fallopian tube is blocked and there is no explanation for it. Another ‘obstacle’, it seems, is making our hope of having a baby seem even harder to reach. I remember the consultant being really lovely. She was hopeful and mentioned that we have options. The first option is to take a medication called Clomid, which induces ovulation, as she believes there is a chance we will be successful with this option because from the scan, my ovaries although covered with cysts, still have viable eggs. She also mentions that the other option is IVF which because of the area of town we live, we would be entitled to 3 free rounds of IVF (at the time of writing this, this has changed and it’s now only 1 free round of IVF for the area I reside. So it’s always worth checking for the most up to date information for where you live in the UK and what the National health service (NHS) IVF entitlements are ).

I remember feeling so grateful that these options were available to us. Earlier on in the journey, I remember having a conversation with God saying, “Lord, you know your child right here does not do very well with needles. I do know Lord, that if it comes to it and we do have to go through the IVF route, you will give me the grace to do it. However, your child right here will like to not do that so please come through”. Seems funny to me now but this was really my prayer to God :-).

So, It was definitely a quick and easy decision for us to make to choose Clomid. IVF was still an option for us if we were unsuccessful with Clomid. I remember leaving the appointment feeling grateful and hopeful for the journey ahead. Before we could start the treatment, we were referred to St Mary’s fertility centre. The team at the fertility centre were so amazing. Everyone we met was so friendly and we felt cared for and supported. We carried on hoping, trusting and praying.

The journey continues in the next post…

We met with one of the doctors who explained what would happen. I was prescribed a five-day course of clomid which I was to take from days 2 to 6 of my next period. I was also prescribed norethisterone which I was to start if after 6 weeks, I had no periods. This was the case because with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I had irregular periods where I would go 3-4 months without a period so this drug would induce a period after the 7-day course was complete. I needed to have a period to start the treatment. When I did have a period, I was to ring the clinic on day one of my period to inform them and then book a scan for day 12 of my cycle. This scan would check my ovaries to see if Clomid had worked and had induced ovulation i.e., caused any follicles to ripen ready to be released. If the scan showed any activity on the ovaries which indicated ovulation was likely, then we would then go home and have lots of sex (hmm exciting!) to hopefully make a baby. We would then return on day 21 to have blood tests to see if ovulation did in fact happen. If it did, then it would be a case of watching and waiting to see if we were pregnant. Wow, it seems like such a long process writing it all down now but to be honest at the time, I was just so happy and grateful to be on this journey which would hopefully mean we would have our baby. 

After the appointment, we left with my medicines and all the instructions written out on a paper, which I have kept and referred to whilst writing this. Mother Nature aka my period made her appearance after several months at the start of January 2017 (but before 6 weeks after the appointment) which meant I didn’t have to take the norethisterone, yay! Side note/ fun fact about me, I don’t like taking medication and I can’t take medication with water, lol. Don’t even get me started on how I then ended up as a pharmacist which is a job I love, haha!

So, the time had come for us to officially start on this journey. So, full of hope and trusting God, I booked my scan appointment and on day 2 of my period, I started Clomid which would be for a total of 5 days. This is the pharmacist in me speaking now , all medications come with a list of possible side effects which are listed on the information leaflet that is supplied with your medication. It’s always a good idea to read this patient information leaflet as it has a lot of very useful and important information and also so that you are aware and are informed on what to do if you experience any of these possible side effects. Although all these side effects are listed, it does not mean everyone who takes the medication will experience them. In my case, I didn’t experience any side effects which I’m thankful for.

I completed the five-day course and waited for my scan appointment on day 12. Scan day arrived and I went with my dear mama for the appointment as hubby couldn’t make it. The appointment was at 10:50am and I was to go into work in the afternoon. We got there, with my mum very supportive as always and me a mixture of emotions. We are called in and the sonographer carries out the scan. The scan comes to an end and she delivers the news. The medication hasn’t worked and there is no sign of anything happening on any of my ovaries. I thanked her and left. I remember smiling at her which really was my own way of trying really hard not to burst into tears. It appeared to work as I remember when we left the room, my mum asked me a few times if I was okay and I responded ‘I’m fine’ a few times. I had to keep it together, and I couldn’t let it all out then especially as I was going to work. I needed to keep going and not break down.

Very real raw emotions. My mum, amazing as always, encouraged me and reminded me of God’s word and it helped a lot. I was able to keep smiling and drop her off at home and head into work. I seemed fine but eventually I had to deal with all the emotions and not try and push them aside. Well, that happened later that night. That evening, I got a call from my dear friend Hannah who asked how I was feeling. All I remember is just bursting out crying on the phone and telling her how I wasn’t okay. I had worked so hard all day to keep it together and it just wasn’t working anymore. She was great and listened, and I was able to really express how I felt hurt, disappointed, let down, upset etc. I remember leaving that conversation feeling so much better and also then crying out to God and being really honest with him about how I felt. I ended my conversation with God that night saying ‘Lord, I can’t do this on my own, you need to come through. God says in my weakness he shows himself strong and I chose to hold on to that and believe that He will do it for us as the right time’. 
Speaking to hubby about it, he as always was so supportive and encouraging. He would always say God will do it, we didn’t get married just to have kids, there are other ways etc. 

I believe God always knows what we need. I had a girls’ trip planned with my amazing mama and 3 sisters to spend a few days in Barcelona which was so needed after the news from the scan. I went on that trip a few days after and it was exactly what I needed in that season. 

After what seemed like disappointment and failure after the first treatment, God really did a work in me and in us as a couple. We got to the point of just giving it to God and trusting him completely to do his work. I definitely got to a point where I was like, if we are to have children, we will and at God’s perfect time. In the meantime, we would enjoy the season we were in whilst getting ready for the next. That was a real turning point for me. I definitely felt more at peace about it. 

Oh, I forgot to mention that after the scan appointment, I met with the doctor who advised that on the next treatment round, the dose of clomid would be doubled. We were advised to wait for a few months and as my periods were irregular, this allowed for a natural break period because my next period didn’t come until April…

Following our last unsuccessful treatment cycle, I was given double the dose of Clomid (compared to the first cycle) to take for days 2 to 6 of my next cycle. Due to the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), my next period did not arrive till a few months later. As per treatment process, I rang the fertility clinic to inform them when it finally arrived so that I could then book my scan for day 12 of my cycle. What was said next broke me.

I was advised that I would not be able to commence the next treatment cycle as I needed to have an up-to-date smear test done. Anyone who is trying for a baby or going through fertility treatment knows how each month seems like such a long time. My feelings were that of ‘oh no, it’s going to take ages to sort out a smear test and get the results back, then wait for my period to make an appearance again and so on…’.  With all those thoughts going on in my mind, I sadly accepted it and ended the conversation.

I happened to be out for lunch at the time of this conversation, with my amazing friend Hannah. To segue a little, I want to reiterate that God is so good, and he keeps his promises. He is so faithful. God knew that this was the time. I always say to my friend Hannah that she was meant to be a part of our journey. As soon as I got off the phone, she asked me what was wrong as at that point I had started crying. I relayed what the hospital had said.#

Immediately and with so much confidence, she advised me to call the hospital back to say that as I was only just due my smear test and as the previous result was normal, I was fine to go ahead with the treatment and delay my smear test until afterwards.

I know for a fact that if Hannah was not there at that moment and if she was not aware of our journey, I would have never called the hospital back. I am so thankful for you Hannah. God’s ways are not our ways, but his ways are so perfect, and he makes all things beautiful in his time.

So filled with renewed confidence, I called the hospital back and mentioned that I would still like to go ahead at that time with the treatment cycle and would get my smear test completed afterwards. Surprisingly, the lady accepted and mentioned something about going ahead at my own risk considering I was due my smear test but as the last test was normal and it was only just due, she would book me in for my scan at day 12 so I could start Clomid on day 2. Wow! It was easier than I thought it would be. I ended this conversation with different emotions. The two most prominent ones were that of gratitude – to God and Hannah for being there at that exact moment, and that of hope, that this could be the time.

I got home that evening and excitedly updated hubby of what had happened earlier on in the day. I also called my parents and we updated Anthony’s parents too. The next day, I started the course of Clomid (double dose of 100mg daily) for the next 5 days. During this same period, both our parents, independent of each other, felt that we should pray and fast for a few days specifically about trying for a baby.

So, all 6 of us prayed and fasted for a period and this was whilst we were undergoing treatment. Prayer is a way, as Christians, we communicate with God and fasting (abstaining from food or other necessities/luxuries) allows you to focus on God. During this period, we collectively made our request known to God, trusting that he was able to do exceedingly more than we could ask or imagine. At the end, God blessed us with peace about the situation.

Anthony and I attended our day 12 scan appointment. We went in for the scan where we were told that yes, it appeared that something was happening on my left ovary. Clomid appeared to have caused some follicles to start developing ready to release an egg meaning that ovulation was likely to occur. I recall mentioning to the doctor that the previous HSG test had indicated that my left fallopian tube was blocked and that was the side that the follicle appeared to be developing on.

The reason I mentioned this was because I was concerned that if ovulation did occur, it would appear unlikely that there would be a positive outcome due to being previously informed that the left tube was blocked. I remember that she didn’t appear concerned and I vaguely recall her mentioning that fertilisation was still possible. We must have been reassured because I do not recall us worrying about it. Looking back, I believe God gave us peace about it. 

We left the room and shortly after met with a very lovely nurse who basically told us that it was good news and that we should go and have lots of sex as it was likely that we would ovulate. We would not know if I had ovulated though until we came back at day 21 to have a blood test which would tell us this. I remember just leaving the clinic so full of hope and joy and hubby was the same. Anthony and I had gotten to a place of peace about our journey and were trusting God that he would do it. God was and is able to do miracles.

I’ll end it there for this week. See you next week for the concluding part. 

With all my love x